A post from the Past: May 27, 2008 - My History

I am transferring my blog post from Live Journal over here to Blogger. I will start with the newest first so that the last post I post will be the oldest one from LJ.  That way you can scroll down and read it in order. 2008 to 2009

May 27, 2008  First Blog post on Live Journal

mmm...my first post. I am still figuring out how this works. I am familiar with posting blogs on MySpace. But I am having problems figuring out how to insert photos. I tried for an hour and no luck. It shouldn't be this hard. I love to see lots of photos on a blog.
I will try again right now.................



This is my daughter Sierra. I lost her a year ago. She was my only daughter and I do miss her so so much. She was 23 when she died by a gunshot to her beautiful head. It's so sad. Her little daughter Peanut is living with me now. We are taking each day one at a time. Life is certainly changing for us. Here we are...



We were dressed for Halloween. On this night 10/31/06 my daughter was taking the photo. Then my daughter Sierra, Peanut and I walked around my neighborhood to trick or treat. 
Sierra and I had several good times like that before she died Jan. 2007. 
I miss her so. I do not understand why she was the one person out of hundreds or thousands who would die by a gunshot. We are not gun people. I never had handguns in the house ever, never in all my life. She only had that gun in her house for 3 weeks before a fight broke out between her and her boyfriend. No one is sure what happened. The police think the boyfriend is responsible. The coroner put gun shot wound to the head.  But it is the boyfriends word of what happened on that day. Peanut saw and heard the fight. She was watching from her room when the gun went off. I think her dad was blocking her view of the gun so she only knows what he told her happened. She was only 5 years old. What a horrible tragedy to have in a young girls life.



This beautiful granddaughter is living with me now. I am in a guardianship case trying to get full custody. For more than a year I have been in and out of court. I finally got Temporary custody on 10/30/2007. What a long wait.
It is not an easy road. Peanut is in therapy now. We are both grieving so much. But we are having good times. We took a trip to Idaho 2 weeks ago. My son Dustin, her uncle, got married. He lives in Idaho. Peanut and I have a goal to move to Idaho before the end of this year.

My new love is WOOL and KNITTING!!!!! more on that in the next blog.

Today and everyday, I thank God for carrying me this far in my grief journey. He has taken my burden. On days that I have a very heavy heart is usually when I have not looked at the LORD to give him praise for blessing me with my children, Peanut, a home, food, clothing, love and good friends. I have a lot to be thankful for.


Seven years ago my handsome, wonderful, hardworking husband died of cancer. I miss him so much. He never knew his grandchildren. He was my high school sweetheart. We were married 28 years. I was 45 and he was 47 when he died. I believe he is in heaven holding our daughter in his arms. God bless my family in Heaven.

So there is my first POST on Live Journal.
Yeah.....I'm glad to be here!!!!!!

A post from the Past: May 30, 2008 - New Cat

I am transferring my blog post from Live Journal over here to Blogger. I will start with the newest first so that the last post I post will be the oldest one from LJ.  That way you can scroll down and read it in order. 2008 to 2009.

May 30, 2008  -  New Cat, Sally

Yesterday evening my little sister came and delivered a new kitten to our home. This is Peanut's kitten. She named her "Sally Flower Lee". Lee is Peanut's and my middle name. Sally is Jack's girlfriend in Nightmare Before Christmas. Flower, well I guess Peanut likes flowers.



Peanut is in love.



My other cat Solo Vino was cool. He tried to act like he didn't care.
Peanut made a bed and Sally slept with her all night. Here she is ready for school.



Peanut said, "now I have a friend to play with me." She lost her mommy a year ago. My daughter Sierra died by a gunshot. Peanut was in the house when it happened and probably saw something. She was found by her mommy's side when the paramedics arrived. It's been a hard journey but we are doing ok. We take each day as it comes and we have a deep faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. I know that Sierra is in Heaven with her daddy, my late husband Richard.
This kitty is a good thing in our lives and in Peanut's life. She is being so nurturing with the kitten. It is sweet to watch. 

A post from the Past: June 13, 2008 - Sierra

I am transferring my blog post from Live Journal over here to Blogger. I will start with the newest first so that the last post I post will be the oldest one from LJ.  That way you can scroll down and read it in order. 2008 to 2009.

June 13, 2008 - Sierra

This is really cool.

Here is Sierra and I at our old house back in the days when my husband was alive and of course Sierra. My front yard. 

A post from the Past: June 17, 2008

I am transferring my blog post from Live Journal over here to Blogger. I will start with the newest first so that the last post I post will be the oldest one from LJ.  That way you can scroll down and read it in order. 2008 to 2009.

June 17, 2008  Balloon release for Sierra. RIP

Tonight my granddaughter and I went to our meeting of The Compassionate Friends.
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/
(Redlands Chapter of Compassionate Friends)
http://www.redlandstcf.com/

This is a grief group for parents & siblings who have lost a child.

Tonight was the annual balloon launch in the memory of our children. 

We arrived early and started making out little cards to attach to the balloons.

Ouch, sunburn.......




Then we were ready to head outside.  Legos in red case, balloons in hand.


Outside it was a beautiful night. There was a singer Naomi Slotkin and a man on the keyboard. Her voice was like an angel. She sang so beautiful and the lyrics to the songs made me cry.


Then we went on the stairs to release the Balloons. It was so beautiful. The balloons went straight up to heaven.



We watched till the balloons got smaller and smaller. 



And then Naomi Slotkin with the angel voice sang on..........

Near far wherever you are 
I believe that the heart does go on 
Once more you open the door 
And you're here in my heart 
And my heart will go on and on



And then they were gone.............

A post from the Past. July 21, 2008

I am transferring my blog post from Live Journal over here to Blogger. I will start with the newest first so that the last post I post will be the oldest one from LJ.  That way you can scroll down and read it in order. 2008 to 2009.

July 21, 2008   A poem that Makes me Cry.

How easily could God, if He so willed,
Set back the world a little turn or two!
Correct its griefs, and bring its joys again!

We were so wholly one I had not thought
That we could die apart. I had not thought
That I could move, -- and you be stiff and still!
That I could speak, -- and you perforce be dumb!
I think our heart-strings were, like warp and woof
In some firm fabric, woven in and out;
Your golden filaments in fair design
Across my duller fibre. And to-day
The shining strip is rent; the exquisite
Fine pattern is destroyed; part of your heart
Aches in my breast; part of my heart lies chilled
In the damp earth with you. I have been torn
In two, and suffer for the rest of me.

This poem speaks to me. The poem in its entirity is below.
I miss Sierra, my little girl, my daughter so much. 
Reading this makes me cry. All I can ask is Why?
Why did she die?
Photo of Sierra with her kitty Romeo. Front yard of our Yucaipa house on Fremont st. 


Poetry of Edna St. Vincent Millay
Renascence

Interim

The room is full of you! -- As I came in
And closed the door behind me, all at once
A something in the air, intangible,
Yet stiff with meaning, struck my senses sick! --

Sharp, unfamiliar odors have destroyed
Each other room's dear personality.
The heavy scent of damp, funereal flowers, --
The very essence, hush-distilled, of Death --
Has strangled that habitual breath of home
Whose expiration leaves all houses dead;
And wheresoe'er I look is hideous change.
Save here. Here 'twas as if a weed-choked gate
Had opened at my touch, and I had stepped
Into some long-forgot, enchanted, strange,
Sweet garden of a thousand years ago
And suddenly thought, "I have been here before!"

You are not here. I know that you are gone,
And will not ever enter here again.
And yet it seems to me, if I should speak,
Your silent step must wake across the hall;
If I should turn my head, that your sweet eyes
Would kiss me from the door. -- So short a time
To teach my life its transposition to
This difficult and unaccustomed key! --
The room is as you left it; your last touch --
A thoughtless pressure, knowing not itself
As saintly -- hallows now each simple thing;
Hallows and glorifies, and glows between
The dust's grey fingers like a shielded light.

There is your book, just as you laid it down,
Face to the table, -- I cannot believe
That you are gone! -- Just then it seemed to me
You must be here. I almost laughed to think
How like reality the dream had been;
Yet knew before I laughed, and so was still.
That book, outspread, just as you laid it down!
Perhaps you thought, "I wonder what comes next,
And whether this or this will be the end";
So rose, and left it, thinking to return.

Perhaps that chair, when you arose and passed
Out of the room, rocked silently a while
Ere it again was still. When you were gone
Forever from the room, perhaps that chair,
Stirred by your movement, rocked a little while,
Silently, to and fro. . .

And here are the last words your fingers wrote,
Scrawled in broad characters across a page
In this brown book I gave you. Here your hand,
Guiding your rapid pen, moved up and down.
Here with a looping knot you crossed a "t",
And here another like it, just beyond
These two eccentric "e's". You were so small,
And wrote so brave a hand!
How strange it seems
That of all words these are the words you chose!
And yet a simple choice; you did not know
You would not write again. If you had known --
But then, it does not matter, -- and indeed
If you had known there was so little time
You would have dropped your pen and come to me
And this page would be empty, and some phrase
Other than this would hold my wonder now.
Yet, since you could not know, and it befell
That these are the last words your fingers wrote,
There is a dignity some might not see
In this, "I picked the first sweet-pea to-day."
To-day! Was there an opening bud beside it
You left until to-morrow? -- O my love,
The things that withered, -- and you came not back!
That day you filled this circle of my arms
That now is empty. (O my empty life!)
That day -- that day you picked the first sweet-pea, --
And brought it in to show me! I recall
With terrible distinctness how the smell
Of your cool gardens drifted in with you.
I know, you held it up for me to see
And flushed because I looked not at the flower,
But at your face; and when behind my look
You saw such unmistakable intent
You laughed and brushed your flower against my lips.
(You were the fairest thing God ever made,
I think.) And then your hands above my heart
Drew down its stem into a fastening,
And while your head was bent I kissed your hair.
I wonder if you knew. (Beloved hands!
Somehow I cannot seem to see them still.
Somehow I cannot seem to see the dust
In your bright hair.) What is the need of Heaven
When earth can be so sweet? -- If only God
Had let us love, -- and show the world the way!
Strange cancellings must ink th' eternal books
When love-crossed-out will bring the answer right!
That first sweet-pea! I wonder where it is.
It seems to me I laid it down somewhere,
And yet, -- I am not sure. I am not sure,
Even, if it was white or pink; for then
'Twas much like any other flower to me,
Save that it was the first. I did not know,
Then, that it was the last. If I had known --
But then, it does not matter. Strange how few,
After all's said and done, the things that are
Of moment.
Few indeed! When I can make
Of ten small words a rope to hang the world!
"I had you and I have you now no more."
There, there it dangles, -- where's the little truth
That can for long keep footing under that
When its slack syllables tighten to a thought?
Here, let me write it down! I wish to see
Just how a thing like that will look on paper!

"*I had you and I have you now no more*."

O little words, how can you run so straight
Across the page, beneath the weight you bear?
How can you fall apart, whom such a theme
Has bound together, and hereafter aid
In trivial expression, that have been
So hideously dignified? -- Would God
That tearing you apart would tear the thread
I strung you on! Would God -- O God, my mind
Stretches asunder on this merciless rack
Of imagery! O, let me sleep a while!
Would I could sleep, and wake to find me back
In that sweet summer afternoon with you.
Summer? 'Tis summer still by the calendar!
How easily could God, if He so willed,
Set back the world a little turn or two!
Correct its griefs, and bring its joys again!

We were so wholly one I had not thought
That we could die apart. I had not thought
That I could move, -- and you be stiff and still!
That I could speak, -- and you perforce be dumb!
I think our heart-strings were, like warp and woof
In some firm fabric, woven in and out;
Your golden filaments in fair design
Across my duller fibre. And to-day
The shining strip is rent; the exquisite
Fine pattern is destroyed; part of your heart
Aches in my breast; part of my heart lies chilled
In the damp earth with you. I have been torn
In two, and suffer for the rest of me.
What is my life to me? And what am I
To life, -- a ship whose star has guttered out?
A Fear that in the deep night starts awake
Perpetually, to find its senses strained
Against the taut strings of the quivering air,
Awaiting the return of some dread chord?

Dark, Dark, is all I find for metaphor;
All else were contrast, -- save that contrast's wall
Is down, and all opposed things flow together
Into a vast monotony, where night
And day, and frost and thaw, and death and life,
Are synonyms. What now -- what now to me
Are all the jabbering birds and foolish flowers
That clutter up the world? You were my song!
Now, let discord scream! You were my flower!
Now let the world grow weeds! For I shall not
Plant things above your grave -- (the common balm
Of the conventional woe for its own wound!)
Amid sensations rendered negative
By your elimination stands to-day,
Certain, unmixed, the element of grief;
I sorrow; and I shall not mock my truth
With travesties of suffering, nor seek
To effigy its incorporeal bulk
In little wry-faced images of woe.

I cannot call you back; and I desire
No utterance of my immaterial voice.
I cannot even turn my face this way
Or that, and say, "My face is turned to you";
I know not where you are, I do not know
If Heaven hold you or if earth transmute,
Body and soul, you into earth again;
But this I know: -- not for one second's space
Shall I insult my sight with visionings
Such as the credulous crowd so eager-eyed
Beholds, self-conjured, in the empty air.
Let the world wail! Let drip its easy tears!
My sorrow shall be dumb!

-- What do I say?
God! God! -- God pity me! Am I gone mad
That I should spit upon a rosary?
Am I become so shrunken? Would to God
I too might feel that frenzied faith whose touch
Makes temporal the most enduring grief;
Though it must walk a while, as is its wont,
With wild lamenting! Would I too might weep
Where weeps the world and hangs its piteous wreaths
For its new dead! Not Truth, but Faith, it is
That keeps the world alive. If all at once
Faith were to slacken, -- that unconscious faith
Which must, I know, yet be the corner-stone
Of all believing, -- birds now flying fearless
Across would drop in terror to the earth;
Fishes would drown; and the all-governing reins
Would tangle in the frantic hands of God
And the worlds gallop headlong to destruction!

O God, I see it now, and my sick brain
Staggers and swoons! How often over me
Flashes this breathlessness of sudden sight
In which I see the universe unrolled
Before me like a scroll and read thereon
Chaos and Doom, where helpless planets whirl
Dizzily round and round and round and round,
Like tops across a table, gathering speed
With every spin, to waver on the edge
One instant -- looking over -- and the next
To shudder and lurch forward out of sight --

* * * * *

Ah, I am worn out -- I am wearied out --
It is too much -- I am but flesh and blood,
And I must sleep. Though you were dead again,
I am but flesh and blood and I must sleep.

A post from the Past: August 20, 2008

I am transferring my blog post from Live Journal over here to Blogger. I will start with the newest first so that the last post I post will be the oldest one from LJ.  That way you can scroll down and read it in order. 2008 to 2009.

August 20, 2008

Tomorrow August 21 will be 8 years since my dear sweet husband died. We were married for 28 years. We met in High School and married as soon as I graduated from High School. I was only 17 1/2 years old.
We had 3 wonderful kids. 
Here is my Richard. 



That picture was taken at our house. We had a great view. 

Richard died of cancer 3 months after we found out. He had cancer of an unknown primary or CUP. He went on intensive chemo but it didn't help.
Here I am moistening his mouth. He is on hospice here. My daughter Sierra is standing behind me and my good friend and mother of my son's wife it there too.



I want to remember Richard as a fun and loving man. Richard was a very lively person. He was fun and had the energy of 12 people. 




It's hard to believe that he has been gone 8 years. I wish I could have a day with him to tell him how much I love him. I wish I could spend a whole day to laugh and hug and make love once again. I miss him so much. 

We use to go and play golf a lot. Sometimes twice a week. It was fun. We have been to so many different courses. We also use to take the kids camping every summer. We would hike and fish. We had a canoe that we would take out on the lake and then spend the day fishing. It was funny because the other people were in their powerboats and we were just floating along. It was just so peaceful. Here is a painting I made of him rowing the canoe.



He was quite a guy. He could do anything. I mean he could fix anything. He had a tool for everything. He could do mechanics from a lawnmower,car, tractor to a big semi. He could do carpentry or plumbing, electrical, cement, anything. He was an egg rancher. We had a lot of chickens for eggs. So he was good at caring for animals. He trimmed trees, roofed a house, installed a sprinkler system, he could weld in 3 kinds of welding (arc,tig, wire,mig, oxy) I probably got those spelled wrong, but I'm not a welder. LOL. He also had a brain for mathematics. He could add numbers faster than you can do a calculator. That use to piss off car dealers when they were trying to make a deal with us.
He was also a loving husband. He was generous, he helped cook. I could always count on him if I had a problem. 
He had his faults. He was high energy and could blow up if he got frustrated. He could even throw a wrench if things were not going good. He worked more than he should have which meant that he missed a lot of the kids activities. I was the one who took them to T-ball, or boyscouts. I was the one walking a parade route with Sierra when she was in baton. Richard was working. He would work on Christmas morning, just in the morning. When you have livestock they always need to be fed and cared for so he would have to check to see that the employees had come into work for the morning. 
Rich was a special guy. He was 47 when he died. 
Here is a picture of him almost exactly one year before he died. This was taken at our son's wedding.

And here is Richard and I on OUR wedding day ready to leave the church.

Tomorrow, God please hug my Richard for me. Tell him I love him. I will see you again one day Sweetie. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

A post from the Past: August 20, 2008 - My daughter

I am transferring my blog post from Live Journal over here to Blogger. I will start with the newest first so that the last post I post will be the oldest one from LJ.  That way you can scroll down and read it in order. 2008 to 2009.

August 20, 2008

Also yesterday August 19th was the 19 month anniversary of my daughters death. I miss her so much too. 



Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven

A post from the Past: January 18, 2009

I am transferring my blog post from Live Journal over here to Blogger. I will start with the newest first so that the last post I post will be the oldest one from LJ.  That way you can scroll down and read it in order. 

January 18, 2009

JANUARY 19 is my daughter Sierra's angelversary.  I want to remember her with some photos.


Sierra Carol  January 28, 1983 to January 19, 2007     She was 23 years old when she died.

Sierra Christmas 2000, a few months after her daddy died (my hubby).
This was our first Christmas without Richard. Usually we would decorate the house from top to bottom. Here we are so sad that our tree hardly have any ornaments on. Usually it is full of handmade ornaments from years of children making them and myself making them or collecting them. But we didn't even get out any of the old things.


  Sierra & Alexis 2006.   She died a few months after this photo.


1983 Sierra and I when she was only 6 months old. She was so beautiful. 


Sierra & Carol in Madrid Spain 1998

I miss her greatly.  Peanut misses her more.  You are always in our memories Sierra and forever in my heart.
Your mom Carol 

A post from the Past: February 3, 2009

I am transferring my blog post from Live Journal over here to Blogger. I will start with the newest first so that the last post I post will be the oldest one from LJ.  That way you can scroll down and read it in order. 

February 3, 2009


Today is Richard's birthday.  He would have been 56 years today. He died when he was 47 yrs.
I sure do miss him. He was my boyfriend when I was only 15 years old. We met in high school.  We married 3 years later. I was 17 yrs & 11 months old.
We had 3 kids.  He was my best friend and I really wish he was here with me now. I am so tired of being alone. I have Peanut with me but I mean as an adult I am alone.
  He was my first big love. He was my first to make love with. He was my everything.
He is burried with our daughter Sierra.  It all sucks.  Why am I the only person I know who at a young age has 2 close family members die?
 Tomorrow will be a better day. Jesus gives me strength for all the tomorrows.

Wedding of Carol and Richard Feb. 24, 1973

On this day, 39 years ago I married the love of my life. Richard Hoover.
He died in 2000 but I always remember our Wedding Anniversary. It was so special. Our marriage was a good marriage too.
Here are some old photos from our wedding day.
We were married at St. Francis Catholic Church in Yucaipa, Ca.


Loretta was my maid of honor.  We are at the church getting ready.


This is a funny picture because we were waiting to go in the church and it started to sprinkle. I didn't want my hair to get wet. This is before mouse was invented so my hair would frizz. I did have a lot of hairspray on it.
In this photo is my dad, Donald Stables, my cousin Diane and you can see my sister's profile Susan.


My dad walking me down the isle. You can see a lot of friends from Yucaipa High School and lots of family. I think we had over 200 guest.


Here is my Wedding Dress. It was worn by several ladies in Richard's family. The dress was made for his aunt Arlene, then it was worn by his mom Dolores. For me the dress is big. I had to wear a very padded bra and heels. The dress is still loose around the waist. The family was always trying to fatten me up so that the dress would fit.
It is a very very heavy satin. There are satin covered buttons from the neck down the back. There are the same buttons on the sleeves from the cuff to mid forearm.  The hat/headband is lace with a heart shape. The neckline is lace with a heart shape and the waist is satin in a sweetheart shape.
The priest didn't want me to wear the veil over my face so I didn't.


After the long mass Richard and I were so happy to be husband and wife.


Here we are for the formal photos.  Richard wore a blue tuxedo. This was different for that time where the groom always wore white and the groomsmen wore a color. I wanted to change that. So Richard is in blue and the groomsmen are in white. My father also wore a white tuxedo.

This is the little church that we attended all of our marriage, almost all. Both Richard and I and our 3 kids were baptized here. Richard's grandfather helped build this church.


Here is the wedding party.
From left to right: Diane my cousin, Susan my sister, Carolyn my friend and Loretta my friend and maid of honor. My sister Heidi is the flower girl.  Then there is Carol and Richard, Jim brother of Richard and bestman, Jim a friend, Mike a friend, and Tim a friend.


Meet the parents.  From left to right, Walter my step-dad, Joan my mom, Carol & Richard, Dolores mom of Richard and Herbert dad of Richard.


Meet more parents.  Here is my dad Donald, his new wife of one week Cristy, Carol & Richard.


And this is my favorite photo of all. After the long wedding ceremony and a big reception at the church we are finally making our get away.  Richard's brother and my maid of honor are in the front seat to drive us away. We are in Richard's grandparents Lincoln Continental car.   I love this photo.  Richard has that look of mischief. I am so happy.

We honeymooned in Mammoth Lakes. It was February so there was about 18 feet of snow. It was so much fun.  Maybe I will post honeymoon photos next week.

Happy anniversary Richard in Heaven. I love you always!!!

You Know You’re Making Progress When--

Sierra and Carol (mom)

You Know You’re Making Progress When--

You can remember your child with a smile-- 
You realize the painful comments others make are made in ignorance--- 
You can reach out to help someone else-- 
You stop dreading holidays-- 
You can sit through a church service without crying-- 
You can concentrate on something besides your child-- 
You can find something to thank God for-- 
You can be alone in your house without it bothering you-- 
You can talk about what happened to your child without falling apart-- 
You no longer feel you have to go to the cemetery every day or every week-- 
You can tolerate the sound of a baby crying-- 
You don’t have to turn off the radio when his or her favorite music comes on-- 
You can find something to laugh about-- 
You can drive by the hospital or that intersection without screaming-- 
You no longer feel exhausted all the time-- 
You can appreciate a sunset, the smell of newly-mowed grass, the pattern on a butterfly’s wings--

~Judy Osgood 
TCF, Carmel/Indianapolis, IN