Sunday, May 16, 2010


I'm a lot nervous with this post because I am exposing myself in a way that I don't expose myself.  But I think it is important for me to do this so that I stick to my diet.
I think I will succeed if I come clean with what I really look like.  
So here goes. (AHHHHHH !!!!)
Starting weight: 175 lbs. 

I started my new way of eating on Thursday.  I am eating a lot more veggies. I am trying to stay away from breads, my weakness, and sweets. I am not eating dessert. When I get a craving for something sweet I am letting myself have one Jolly Rancher small candy.  They take a long time to disolve and I think they are less calories than a bowl of ice cream or a handful of cookies.

So yesterday after my shower I put on my exercise clothes. I had my granddaughter take my BEFORE photos.  I really want to be honest of where I am and then I will be happy of where I end up. Thinner I hope.  
So here is me with no makeup
Carol's F2F project

No laughing. I am not wearing "Booty Pop" !!!

I'm exercising everyday. I have been doing Hip Hop Abs. I really like the DVD's. I think today I might go walking. I bought some new Nike's and I think if I change up the routine I will keep interested.

Here I am at Redondo Beach,Ca. two years ago.  It was a chilly day in March. I have my hands up saying "PRAISE THE LORD".  I want to keep this in my mind because the Lord gives me my strength. If I think of my body as Gods temple then I will want to keep it clean and in good shape.
That day on the beach was so nice. There were not very many people. Peanut had a good time and did get wet in her pretty dress. 

It would be so nice to have the beach closer where I could go walking in the sand each morning.  That is good exercise. 

You may ask, "what brought you to this place?"  And I will answer,"Grief."
I was about 135 lbs. three years ago. I was able to maintain my weight. I ate healthy and I kept busy with a full time job as a dental tech. Then a horrible day happened. I was at work and a call came in from my son. He said to call Loma Linda Hospital.  I asked what was wrong and he said they would not tell him nothing but they wanted to talk to Carol.  So I called.  They would not say anything except Sierra was there and it involved a gunshot. They would not tell me if she was alive or dead.
That was the beginning of my nightmare.  My daughter Sierra did die on her way to the hospital. She had a gunshot to her head.  After the doctor told me that I could not hear anything. His mouth was moving but my ears were ringing with "this can't be possible...wake me up from this nightmare"
My son Dustin was there and later told me everything that was said. 

I lost weight in that first month after Sierra died. People were concerned for me. I took off work for 2 weeks. But being home was too lonely. So I went back. I cried at my desk everyday.  The first week after Sierra died was filled with making arrangements for her funeral. Also I had Peanut living with me. Then the dead beat druggie dad came and took her.
So going back to work to be with friends and stay busy helped.  I stuck it out at work for over a year and then finally left. I had gotten Alexis back in a long long court battle (2 year battle) and I wanted to be home for her.

My over eating began about a month after Sierra died.  When I was home from work and late at night.  That is when I would feel the loneliness.  I can remember going through phases of liking certain foods or candies.  I ate normal meals but for example, I had some Otter Pops in my pantry. It was a huge box from Costco and had been there a year.  Well all of a sudden I put them all in the freezer and in the evening I would eat maybe 20 Otter Pops.  I guess I justified it as one Otter Pop is not to many calories.  Hahaha.  I think they are just sugar.
Then I had my Halloween candy 2009. I bought Smarties. I love Smarties since I was a little girl. We use to only get them at Halloween time. Comfort food I say. I use to open all of them and put them together by color.
Well last Halloween I didn't give any out.  We were at church for a harvest festival.
I started eating them. I would pass the bowl at night and take a handful. Then again and again.  Before I knew it there would be a pile of empty smartie papers of about 30.  Still when the Halloween smarties were gone I ran back to Target to find the big Halloween size bag. Success! I found them. I bought 2 bags.
I continued to eat them by the handfuls. The bags went empty and I couldn't find the big party bags.  
Then my sister Susan was talking to me and she said that she had her blood tested and her doctor said that she was borderline pre-diabetic.  That scared me. I was worried for her and also myself. When I would stand up after sitting my feet would hurt bad.  I could walk a little and the feeling left.  When I was laying in bed and then got up my feet hurt.  I knew that it had to be all that sugar and maybe I was pre-diabetic too.  So I stopped the big sugar intake.  I only let myself have small portions.  I have a sweet tooth. 

I know grief can take a lot of energy. I was grieving the death of my mom, dad, husband and most recently my daughter.  I didn't want to do anything. It took everything I had in me just to do my normal chores. I knew that I needed to exercise more yet my get up and go had got up and went. 
I've been this way for 3 years now. That is how long Sierra has been gone. 
I stopped dating because it just took too much energy out of me. I felt bad for the guy because I had nothing to give. I was barely surviving. 
The only men I stayed friends with were the ones who helped me, gave to me without expecting too much in return. I just had nothing to give. 
My focus 100% of the time was trying to find answers of why did Sierra die, and trying to get guardianship of Peanut. (another story for another blog).

My husband Richard was a strong guy. He worked with his father on the ranch. Some family members said that when his dad dies that Richard will be lost. I asked Richard about this. He said," I will miss my dad but dying is part of life. We're born, we live, then we die."  The cycle of life. His dad died at an early age of 66 yrs. We all thought that was so young. I would never have thought that my own husband would die even younger at the age of 47 yrs.  That is almost 20 years less than what his dad had.  Richard died of cancer.
My mom who died 4 months before Sierra use to tell me to be a duck.  What she was saying is don't let things bug me. Let them roll off my back like a duck.  My mom was a funny woman.  I really do miss her. She died too young too. She had Alzheimers. (another story for another blog). 
But her sentiment is really felt by me. She was advising me to be happy. Things happen. Life is not fair.  But we go on.
I believe that you can either stay stuck and wallow in your storms of life or you can look for that rainbow.  Life has so much to offer like a slimmer body, maybe a new man, art courses, spinning, exercise with my granddaughter.  The list is endless. 
I want to be happy. I will acknowledge my trials. I have learned so much from them. But I will strive to be happy.
Sometimes I put on my happy face and I feel like I am crying inside.  It is hard to buck up at times. But I think that before  know it that happy face turns into a true happy face and is not fake.  

Today Peanut and I packed a picnic lunch. She a sandwich and me a salad & baby carrots. She jumped on her bike and I walked. We have new shoes.
  They felt so good.  So we went to the park. We had our lunch.
 Not too many kids there so we went home the long way. It was really hot outside.  It's sort of hazy too.
It was a good day. 
Keep me in  your prayers that I stay strong and stay on my healthy weight loss routine.  Hugs to all.
Buenas Tardes Blog.......


  1. Your doing so well. I'm proud of you and love you so much. We have all been through a rough couple of years. I miss everyone so much. Maybe that's why I eat too. I don't have Mom to call and chat with. She always listened. Bless her heart. I believe that if we don't let the Devil into our minds. We will be happy with the Lord. And one day we will all be together again.
    Keep up the good work!!!
    Love ya

  2. You can do it! You can control the whole eating thing! Sometimes when life is so out of our control it helps to control what we can. Eating healthy and introducing exercise will only make you feel better! Going to bed that little bit hungry will make you very happy in the morning for your success! Then it sets the tone for the day! Ask me how I know!

    Congrats on the new routine. I hope it eases some of the aweful grief you live with. hugs!

  3. Ok,Marcy, I'm asking how do you know?

    I'm really trying. I did slip up yesterday with a salad that I think had a high calorie dressing. It tasted so good. I hardly ever get taken out to a nice restaurant and I really enjoyed the day out.
    Thank you for commenting on my blog.

  4. I think you are one of the most beautiful and honest of people I've ever "met" here on the Internet. I don't even know how to convey to you how much I admire you....having lost a child myself.

    I lost a lot of weight after she died, trying to be in better health to help look after my grandson....Now I've put back on 17 pounds in the last couple of years--since Mama went into a nursing home and my husband's job ran out and he was retired. My husband and I have had 44 years together, and I'm so sorry you don't have Richard to be with you through all this.

    I would like so much to be more like you. Right now I'm going through a rather deep depression and am trying hard to stay in the Word. I admire you so much. Thanks for giving me hope.

  5. Bluebird this is so sweet what you have written. It is by the grace of God that I am strong. I am not strong all the time, only sometimes. God gives me new grace each morning when I wake up which is good because I use up all the grace he gave me the day before.
    Bless your heart about loosing a child. Hugs to you.
    When I feel down a lot of times I can see that I didn't get enough sleep or I need to eat something good for me.
    Thank you for your comment, I do appreciate it.